Monday, December 13, 2010

Word of the Day: Independence

Caroline has the flu. The vomiting began around midnight last night and lasted until around ten this morning, when of course there was nothing left to throw up, and the poor kid was just heaving miserably.

But sometime around 1am as she was, as she calls it, "performing the technicolor yawn", and Calvin and I were hovering behind her, concerned. I was waiting with a towel to wipe her face and Calvin was holding her glass of water.

Looking back, maybe this attentiveness was a little much though, because this kid does not like to be coddled.

She turned around between heaves and said, "What is this? A spectator sport?".

All right. Point taken.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Time To Sharpen My Game

Me: Caroline, don't bounce that ball in here.

1 minute later: bouncing sound from in the hallway.

Me: Caroline, I asked you not to bounce that in here.

Caroline: You said not to bounce it IN THE LIVING ROOM.

Me: No, I meant the house. Caroline: Well, YOU LEFT A LOOPHOLE!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Should I Worry?

Caroline has taken all 400+ of her books off her library shelves and has stacked them in numerous skyscraping piles around her room.

Calvin asked her what she's doing.

"Don't worry, Dad. I'm sorting my books by genre."


Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Last night:

"Caroline, it's nearly eleven. Why aren't you asleep yet?"

"I can't sleep, Mom. My head is filled up and I can't stop thinking."

Sympathetically, "Oh, I'm sorry, you need to talk? What is it you're thinking about?"



Thursday, June 17, 2010

Dignity Please, Mom.

Teenagers. Caroline just let me know today how she feels about them.

"Mom, you know what? I don't like being around teenagers. Sometimes when the high schoolers walk through our school at the end of the day on the way to the buses, they look at me and the other elementary schoolers and say, 'Awwww, how cute!'.

"That's sweet!"

"No, it isn't!"

"Why not? You don't like it when they compliment you?"


Friday, June 11, 2010

But Then I'd Have Bigger Problems To Worry About

Caroline and I were in the commissary, walking down the cereal aisle, when I noticed that she had a black smudge on her nose.

What did I do? What all mothers since the beginning of time have done, and what all kids since the beginning of time have hated.

I licked my fingers and used them to wipe her face.

Don't knock it; your mom did it, and you've done it to your kids. But did you or your kids snap back the way Caroline did, much to the amusement of passersby?

"Ewww! Mom! I wish I was a cat! Then you'd have to lick my butt and THAT would teach you!"

No, probably not.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The White Rabbit

When Caroline was three, she was very well spoken and eloquent for her age, but some words or phrases still escaped her and she was totally capable of completely butchering these and then memorizing the carcass of the said word or phrase, incorporating it into her vocabulary in its new and improved form.

One of those butcherings came as a result of something she heard in Disney's Alice In Wonderland.

The White Rabbit says, over and over, "I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!"

But apparently there was a disconnect between what her little ears heard and the way her three-year-old lips could perform the imitation. Her version came out as:

"I'm yate! I'm yate! A-ponna-monna-date!"

So, one of the days on which we were driving the 5 hours down to see my parents, Calvin looked at his watch and said, "Oh, hey, we told your parents we'd be there at --- and I think we're going to be late."

At which point Caroline chimed in helpfully from the back with "I'm YATE! I'm YATE! A-Ponna-Monna-DATE!"

And I gently corrected her, pronouncing each word very slowly and deliberately, "Caroline, honey, it's A VERY IMPORTANT DATE."

FYI: Correcting this kid has never been easy, even on a good day. She drew herself up to the full height she could achieve in her car seat straps and snapped, "That's what I SAID, mommy! A-PONNA-MONNA-DATE!" .

Like, duh!

And she crossed her little arms over her chest and stuck her nose in the air in the direction of the window where she didn't have to look at us trifling, meddling people.

We still do laugh about and use this term of hers. Frequently on the way out to work, Calvin will remind me that he's "yate for a-ponna-monna-date".

And seriously, how hot is a man who has ponna-monna dates?!

I know, ladies. But, hands off. He's mine.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Mother, Painfully Out Of Touch

This afternoon, I was driving Caroline home after her piano practice and I remembered to ask her if she wanted to go to the Sock Hop tomorrow night, where her Dad has been recruited to play Elvis to entertain the kids.

"Yes", she said. "I want to go, even though it's much too late to ask anyone to go with me."

Of course, a "date" hadn't crossed my mind, but I wanted to show that I'm taking her seriously, so I replied,

"Well, that's OK, right? I mean, if you go by yourself, you can dance with whomever you please. That's good thing, huh?"

"Mom!" *sigh* "I don't dance at all!"

"Really? Then why are you going TO A DANCE?"

She gives me this look that most mothers know. You know, the one that says, "You are so OLD and still, YOU KNOW NOTHING." But she condescends to answer me anyway.

"I go for the root beer floats, of course!"


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Seemingly Unimportant Moments Are My Favorites

So I'm sitting here on the sofa, checking email, doing homework, pondering why Germany has only one season these days...
...and the silence is broken by a tiny voice in another room.

"Baby Beluga! Baby Beluga! Is the water warm? Is your momma home with you? So happy!"

She's supposed to be sleeping, but she's singing her contentment instead. I'm not even going to stop her, because this? These are the moments I live for. These are the moments that make everything else worthwhile.

And it makes me think of others of those moments throughout her life. Little things she said here and there that were funny or touching or just memorable for whatever reason.

In particular, something that Calvin and I reminisced about the other day was when Caroline was just learning to talk and she was having a lot of trouble with prepositions.

She used to walk up to me if I was sitting on the sofa and say, "Ma-ee, I going to sit at you, OK?"

Or "Da-ee I going to dance by you."

Or she'd take his hand and say "Can I walk on you?"

Well, OK, maybe that last one wasn't a mistake at all.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

If I Had A Frozen Heart, It Would Melt


"Mom, I just want you to know that I have come to a decision today. I made it while I was taking a break in the middle of Terra Nova testing."

"Oh yeah? What decision did you come to?"

"I intend to be far more interactive when it comes to cuddles and kisses from now on. I intend to fully participate instead of just letting you cuddle and kiss me. I love you."


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Someone Should Have Called Social Services

When I was a kid our pyjamas and blankets were not flame-retardent. GodDAMN we were hard core.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

To Whip Han Solo In A Popularity Contest

Caroline just came in the room and told me, "Mom, I just want you to know that I love you. I love you EVEN MORE than I love Star Wars."

And I didn't even give her chocolate cake for breakfast!

If you knew how much my child loves Star Wars, you'd know just how weighty a declaration that was.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

There Are Not Many Who Would

Caroline came home today and, like always, we headed straight for the sofa where she sat in my lap and began telling me about her day at school. Lately her teacher, Mrs. Shives, has been away due to the ill health of her father, and the kids have had the same substitute for most of the days that Mrs. S has been gone. But yesterday, they got a new substitute and Caroline was gushing over how nice this new substitute is.

"She NEVER yells at us like some of our other subs, Mom! She talks to us instead, and we can tell she likes us a lot! I hope she will aways be our substitute when Mrs. Shives is away!"

"Well, that's pretty good news, Honey. I'm glad your substitute is nice to all of you."

"Yep, she listens when we tell her things too, and she looks at us in the face!"

"Excellent! I'm glad to hear it!"

"There's only one thing wrong with her." Caroline said, shaking her head.

Then she added maganinimously,
"But even though it's frustrating, it's not enough for me to want her to be replaced."

"Oh? What's "wrong" with her?"

She paused a second and rolled her eyes...

"She just WILL NOT engage me on the subject of the nutritional value of the cafeteria food!"


Thursday, February 11, 2010

She Puts The "F" in Fun



Welcome home, Baby! How was your day?


It was GREAT! It was REALLY good!


Oh, yeah? Why was it so great?


At lunch, Joey and I spent the entire break chasing boys!

ME, slightly worried, cocked eyebrow:



Oh, don't worry, Mom! It's not like THAT. We were chasing them WITH STICKS!


Thursday, February 4, 2010

She's Not Buying It


Caroline has explained to me, with all the authority she feels she's earned by scrutinizing the Disney Masterpiece Collection, that while Belle and Jasmine are "smart enough not to be embarassing", Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Ariel and Snow White are "empty headed" and "no one but an empty-headed prince would EVER marry them."

Go Caroline! The Cultural Brainwash Machine can SUCK IT!


They Were Pulled By Dinosaurs, Though


Yes, Caroline, they did have buses when I was little. Yes, I'm sure.


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

But My Aunt Had A Bad Case Of Asteroids


No, Caroline, I don't think that Hank Azaria took deltoids to get his muscles that big.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

And I've Already Got A Foot In My Own Grave

"Mom, I was reading a National Geographic in school today and I read a story about a baby mammoth that was found frozen in a block of ice near a river."


"Yep. It was found a reeeeally long time ago and scientists have been using it to study mammoths."

"What's a "reeeeally" long time ago?"

"Um...I think it said 1999."